Vitellius Was a Gourmand Who Loved Peacock Brains and Flamingo Tongues
Reign: April 19 – December 20, 69 AD
Aulus Vitellius began his political career as a governor in the provinces, serving as proconsul in Africa and legate in Germany. The Roman people liked him because he was gentle, didn’t kill anyone, wasn’t involved in intrigues, and would even treat strangers to meals at his expense. He had a habit of fraternizing and kissing any soldier he met, giving off the impression of being a relatable guy, despite being a patrician.
After Nero‘s death in 68 AD, a civil war erupted in Rome. After several revolts and struggles for power, the patrician Servius Galba triumphed but ruled only briefly before being killed by the Praetorian Guard. With the throne vacant again, the legionaries decided to place Vitellius on it, simply because he seemed like a pleasant person.
He may have been kind in private life, but he proved to be a mediocre emperor. He neglected the affairs of the empire, preferring to throw lavish feasts at the state’s expense.
Vitellius was a notorious glutton, and in just seven months, he spent over six million sesterces on culinary indulgences.
At his banquets, dishes included peacock and pheasant brains, flamingo tongues, pike livers, and lamprey roe, brought from Parthia and Gibraltar on warships. This extravagant dish, served on a large platter, was called the “Shield of Minerva.” At one party hosted by his brother Lucius, 2,000 fish and 7,000 birds were served. The famous gourmet and chef of the time, Marcus Gavius Apicius, even named a dish of peas and beans mixed with sweet and sour spices in honor of Vitellius.
Vitellius wasn’t picky about simpler foods either. He often visited the most plebeian taverns and ate whatever he could chew—and he could chew a lot. He even snacked on the sacrificial meat placed on altars for the gods, which was highly offensive to the Romans.
Soon after, the Vespasian took control of the empire—a much better emperor—and Vitellius was beaten by a mob and pelted with garbage before being killed by soldiers.
Antoninus Pius Governed the Empire by Letters and Died from a Cheese Overdose
Reign: July 11, 138 – March 7, 161 AD
The example of Aulus Vitellius shows how dangerous eating disorders can be, and even the best leaders of the Roman Empire weren’t immune. Titus Aelius Hadrianus Antoninus Pius, the fourth of the so-called Five Good Emperors of the Nervan-Antonine dynasty, was a very successful ruler. During his 23-year reign, there were no crises, wars, or other disturbances. Antoninus successfully added southern Scotland to the empire and suppressed revolts in Lower Dacia and Armenia.
Remarkably, he managed all these crises without ever leaving Italy. Antoninus governed through letters and sent his governors and generals to the provinces. Some of his letters and edicts were so well-written that they were displayed as public property. This style of administration, new to the empire, earned Antoninus great respect.
He also built many bridges and aqueducts and left the treasury with a surplus of 2.7 billion sesterces—no other ruler had managed to leave the throne with a positive balance before.
Antoninus lived to the age of 74 and might have lived longer if not for the sin of gluttony.
According to Roman historian Aurelius Victor, Antoninus “greedily ate Alpine cheese at dinner.” He consumed so much that he became ill, vomited, developed a fever, and was bedridden. That night, the tribune of the night guard visited him to ask for the password, as was customary. Antoninus stoically replied “aequanimitas” (equanimity) and died.
Some scholars believe that the emperor may have suffered from food poisoning caused by staphylococcus or listeria, both of which are particularly dangerous to weakened or elderly individuals. This is what happens when you forget to invent pasteurization.
Elagabalus Was a Prankster and Invented Whoopee Cushions
Reign: June 8, 218 – March 11, 222 AD
Emperor Elagabalus (also known as Bassianus Varius Avitus) was a rather flamboyant figure, perhaps because he ascended to the throne at the age of 14, thanks to the machinations of his grandmother, Julia Maesa. Elagabalus didn’t focus much on the state’s affairs, preferring to spend his days indulging in various hedonistic pleasures.
He introduced the cult of Elagabal, a Syrian sun god, in Rome, even adopting the god’s name. He built a new temple and performed human sacrifices, selecting beautiful boys for the rituals. The emperor also dressed as a woman, had affairs with gladiators, held wild orgies, and rode around Rome in a chariot pulled by lions, deer, or even naked beauties, depending on his mood.
Elagabalus especially loved pranking the courtiers. For example, at feasts, he would serve guests fake food made of wax and marble, laughing as they broke their teeth trying to eat it. If he didn’t like someone, he would serve them a covered dish containing a live poisonous snake or scorpion and then reveal, “It’s a prank!”
The Emperor also had a collection of trained lions, leopards, bears, and tigers. At night, while a guest slept in his palace, he would release one of these animals into their room and lock the door. Though the animals were tame, the guests didn’t know that, and some guests died from fright.
But don’t think Elagabalus was just a hedonist and prankster—he had an inventive side too. He came up with a special air-filled leather cushion. During feasts, when his guests were particularly relaxed and absorbed in conversation, slaves would quietly press on the cushion, making it emit a rude noise, causing embarrassment and discomfort.
Romans grew to dislike Elagabalus for his excesses, orgies, and silly jokes. In 222, he was stabbed to death by soldiers of the Praetorian Guard. The inventor of the whoopee cushion was only 18 years old at the time.
Valerian Was Killed with Molten Gold
Reign: October 22, 253 – Spring 260 AD
Publius Aurelius Licinius Valerian, also known as Valerian I, was a Roman from a noble family, a princeps of the Senate, and a general. During the civil war between Trebonianus Gallus and Marcus Aemilianus in 253, the legions decided not to choose between the two emperors, decisively killed them, and appointed Valerian as the new ruler. They likely hoped he would be a reliable leader and not cause any trouble—after all, he was already 63 years old at the time.
However, Valerian managed to make his mark. He became the only Roman emperor in history to be captured by the enemy and killed in captivity.
At that time, the Roman Empire was at war with the Persians, led by Shahanshah Shapur I. Valerian decided that if something needed to be done well, it was better to do it himself, so he personally led the campaign. By 257, he had recaptured Antioch and Syria. However, an outbreak of plague decimated a significant portion of his legions, and in 260, Valerian suffered defeat at the Battle of Edessa and was captured by Shapur I.
Shapur apparently had not only a professional disdain for the Roman emperor but also a personal, deeply rooted animosity. There are accounts that he humiliated Valerian by using his back as a footstool when mounting his horse.
Valerian, unaccustomed to such treatment, immediately declared to the Shahanshah that, as emperor, he could offer a large ransom for his release. Shapur became enraged and retorted, “Do you think I lack gold? Watch what I can do.” He melted a bucket of precious metal and poured it down Valerian’s throat. And you thought George R.R. Martin invented the scene with Viserys and Khal Drogo?
Shapur didn’t stop there. He ordered Valerian’s corpse to be stuffed with straw and manure, making it into a macabre trophy. Such was the inglorious end of the Roman emperor.
Quintillus Ruled for Only 17 Days
Reign: 270 AD
It might seem that Vitellius’ seven-month reign was quite short—so brief that the nation wouldn’t have had time to truly experience his leadership. Who knows, maybe in his second year as emperor, he would have gotten serious, organized his affairs, and restored order to the empire?
But by Roman standards, Vitellius sat on the throne for a reasonable length of time. Hostilian, for instance, only held power for six months, from June to November, before succumbing to the plague. Marcus Clodius Pupienus lasted just four months before he was overthrown and killed by the Praetorians. But the real record holder for the shortest reign was Marcus Aurelius Claudius Quintillus.
He ascended to the throne thanks to his brother, Claudius II Gothicus, who ruled the Roman Empire from 268 to 270 AD. During his brother’s reign, Quintillus held the position of procurator of Sardinia. When Claudius II died from the plague, the Senate proclaimed Quintillus emperor, simply because he was the closest relative.
However, the legions were displeased with this decision and staged a rebellion, placing the much more popular general Aurelian on the throne. Thus, Quintillus’ reign lasted a mere 17 days. Nevertheless, in that brief time, coins featuring his profile were minted in Rome and some provinces.
